1 PHILLIPS CENTER FOR THE PERFORMING ARTS 8:00 P.M. AARON KARO [ APPLAUSE ] GOOD EVENING, FELLOW GATORS MY NAME IS DAVID BUCHALTER AND I'M CHAIRMAN OF ACCENT SPEAKERS BUREAU. WE ARE COLLEGE STUDENTS, LIVED IN DORMS, PULLED ALL-NIGHTERS BECAUSE WE FORGET WE HAD MID-TERMS WE ARE ON A STRICT BUDGET AND ALWAYS PROCRASTINATE. OUR SPEAKER EVEN WROTE A BOOK ABOUT IT. HE STARTED E-MAILS IN HIS FRESHMAN YEAR OF COLLEGE AND NOW HAS A FOLLOWING -- HE HAS A WORLDWIDE FOLLOWING. LET'S JUST LEAVE IT AT THAT. HE IS AUTHOR OF RUMINATIONS ON COLLEGE LIFE AND FEATURES ON TV AND WRITING A BOOK, RUMINATIONS ON TWENTYSOMETHING LIFE. HE HAS A NO HOLDS BARRED FRAT BOY APPROACH TO COLLEGE -- TO THE COLLEGE LIFESTYLE IF HE SPEAKS CANDIDLY ABOUT OUR EXPERIENCES AS COLLEGE STUDENTS AND HOW TO BE SUCCESSFUL AND THE ULTIMATE GOAL TRYING TO GET LAID AND TRYING NOT TO GET LAID OFF. ACCENT SPEAKERS BUREAU HAS BEEN HOSTING PROMINENT SPEAKS SINCE THE MID-1960S, THEY INCLUDE THE ORIGINAL HULK, LOU FERIGNO AND RAY MCGOVERN AND MICHAEL 0 MORE, AWARD WINNING DOCUMENTARIAN. GOVERNOR PATAKI WILL BE SPEAKING AT THE O'CONNELL CENTER HE INTRODUCED PRESIDENT BUSH AT THE REPUBLICAN CONCERNING. CONSERVATIVE POLITICS IN AMERICA. ACCENT IS A NONPARTISAN ORGANIZATION AND DOES NOT SUPPORT OR OPPOSE ANY SPEAKER'S VIEW POINTS. ALL ARE OPEN TO THE PUBLIC FREE. NOW, WITHOUT FURTHER ADIEU, SIT BACK, RELAX AND LAUGH AT MY FRIEND, AARON KARO. [ APPLAUSE ] WHAT'S UP? ALL THE GIRLS ARE, LIKE, THAT'S HIM? IT'S ME IT'S ME IT'S FUNNY I'VE NEVER BEEN TO GAINESVILLE BEFORE I GOT TO CAMPUS AND CHECKED IN THE HOTEL, AND I'M LIKE, THERE ARE A LOT OF HOT CHICKS AROUND. I'M WALK GOING THROUGH CAMPUS I GOT A LITTLE TOUR AND I'M LIKE, THERE ARE A LOT OF HOT CHICKS AROUND HERE. I COME HERE, I'M LIKE, YEAH, THERE'S A LOT OF HOT CHICKS AROUND HERE. HONESTLY, CAN I RETROACTIVELY TRANSFER? THIS PLACE IS AWESOME GIVE YOURSELF A ROUND OF APPLAUSE. ALL RIGHT. SO, ANYWAY, AS DAVID SO ELOQUENTLY PUT, REALLY GOT THEM OUT OF THEIR SEATS WITH THAT INTRO. THAT'S ALL RIGHT I KID, I KID MY NAME IS AARON KARO I'M 25 YEARS OLD I LIVE "NEW YORK TIMES." I GRADUATED FROM THE UNIVERSITY OF PENNSYLVANIA SINCE I GRADUATED A LITTLE OVER THREE YEARS AGO I WORKED ON WALL STREET, WRITTEN TWO BOOKS, I'VE WRITTEN AN ADVICE COLUMN FOR 17 MAGAZINE, BECOME A STAND-UP COMEDIAN, TAKEN ACTING CLASSES, APPEARED ON VH1 I LOVE THE 90S, CREATED AN E-MAIL COLUMN WITH A CULT FOLLOWING AROUND THE WORLD AND WORKING ON MY OWN SITCOM. I'VE DONE ALL THAT AND NOT FORGOTTEN WHAT IT'S LIKE TO DRINK HEY WHO'S CELL PHONE WAS THAT? WHAT I'D LIKE TO DO FOR YOU GUYS TONIGHT IS GIVE YOU SOME BACKGROUND ABOUT MYSELF, TAKE YOU ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE BEGINNING, TELL YOU THE STORY HOW A NICE JEWISH BOY FROM LONG ISLAND -- [ APPLAUSE ] 6 CAME ALL THE WAY TO THE BRIGHT LIGHTS OF, GAINESVILLE? I'M TRYING I'M GOING TO TALK MAINLY ABOUT MY COLLEGE EXPERIENCE THEN I'M GOING TO TALK A LITTLE BIT ABOUT WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING SINCE COLLEGE. AFTERWARDS I'LL ANSWER QUESTIONS AND SIGNING BOOKS IN THE OTHER ROOM BACK THERE. THEN I'LL GO OUT AND PROVE TO YOU GUYS I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN WHAT IT'S LIKE TO DRINK HEAVILY. THE FIRST THING I'D LIKE TO ESTABLISH WHEN I TALK TO COLLEGE STUDENTS LIKE YOURSELVES, IS THAT I CAN RELATE. COMPARED TO A LOT OF SPEAKERS YOU HAVE, I'M PRETTY YOUNG I'M ONLY 25 THREE YEARS OUT OF COLLEGE, I FEEL LIKE WE'RE ALL PART OF THE SAME GENERATION. LIKE YOU GUYS, I'M PRETTY GOOD WITH TECHNOLOGY, I'M ON THE INTERNET EVERYDAY, HAVE MY OWN WEBSITE, I'M PRETTY GOOD WITH THAT STUFF. STILL, FOR SOME REASON, WHEN EVER I'M TRYING TO FIX SOMETHING ELECTRONIC, THE FIRST THING I DO IS BLOW IN IT. [ LAUGHTER ] LIKE AN OLD SCHOOL NINTENDO CARTRIDGE IT'S SO TRUE ! THE OTHER DAY, I SAW MY BUDDY FIDDLING WITH HIS CELL PHONE GIVE ME THAT WHOOSH HE SAID, CAIRO, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? I WAS JUST TRYING TO PUT IT ON VIBRATE. THIS ISN'T DUCK HUNT THIS IS GOING TO BE EASY SO I GREW UP IN A TOWN IN LONG ISLAND CALLED PLAINVIEW YEAH, GO HAWKS, RIGHT? AND FROM -- YOU CAN PROBABLY GUESS FROM A TOWN CALLED PLAINVIEW, IT WAS PRETTY BORING WHAT I REMEMBER MOST FROM GROWING UP BESIDES THE FACT I WASN'T ALLOWED IN THE LIVING ROOM WAS I WASN'T ALLOWED TO EAT SUGARY CEREALS. THIS IS THE MID-80S, ASBESTOS IN THE SCHOOLS, LEAD WALLS. MY PARENTS DECIDED SUGAR WAS THE BAIN OF MY EXISTENCE WHEN I WAS REALLY GOOD I GOT TO HAVE HONEYNUT CHEERIOS I GO TO CAMP HAVE FROSTED FLAKES AND CINNAMON CRUNCH IN THE SAME BOWL, I WENT CRAZY. I'LL NEVER FORGET THE FIRST TIME I HAD LUCKY CHARMS I HAD NEVER SEEN MARSHMALLOWS IN A BOX I WAS CRAZY. I'M VERY CLOSE TO MY MOM. IT'S A CRAZY MY MOM KNOWS THE PHONE NUMBERS OF EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN MY ENTIRE FAMILY. SHE'S MY SISTER'S SHOE SIZE, WHAT SALAD DRESSING I'M ALLERGIC TO, BUT SHE DOESN'T TO? HER OWN CELL PHONE NUMBER I DON'T KNOW WHY THAT IS BUT MOMS JUST DON'T TO? THEIR OWN CELL PHONE NUMBER TOMORROW, YOU GUYS CALL YOUR MOM AND ASK HER WHAT HER CELL PHONE NUMBER IS I GUARANTEE YOU SHE EITHER HESITATES OR SHE HAS NO IDEA IN FACT, SHE PROBABLY HAS IT WRITTEN ON AN INDEX CARD SCOTCH TAPED TO THE BACK OF KNOWN MY MOM ALSO DOESN'T KEEP HER PHONE ON SHE SAYS, IT'S ONLY FOR EMERGENCIES HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CALL YOU IN AN EMERGENCY IF YOUR PHONE IS OFF INSIDE THAT GIGANTIC POCKETBOOK OF YOURS? SEPTEMBER 11TH, I WAS RUNNING AROUND THE CITY, MOM, WE'RE BEING ATTACKED. HELLO. HI, YOU'VE REACHED HELENE, PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE THANKS A FEW DAYS LATER MY PHONE RINGS, MY MOM, HONEY, IS EVERYTHING OKAY? BECAUSE I GOT A MISSED CALL I'M CLOSE TO MY DAD AS WELL MY FAVORITE STORY ABOUT MY DAD TOOK PLACE IN 1996, I WAS STILL IN HIGH SCHOOL AND MY DAD WENT TO PARENT-TEACHER CONFERENCES HE WENT TO MY BIO TEACHER. THERE WERE PICTURES OF EVERYONE ON THE WALL AT A FIELD TRIP WE HAD TAKEN A FEW WEEKS EARLIER THERE WERE PICTURES OF EVERYONE EXCEPT FOR ME MY DAD COMES HOME FROM THE PARENT TEACHER CONFERENCES, SON, I GOT TO TALK TO YOU. I'M LIKE, OH, SHEET. HE SAID THERE WERE PICTURES OF EVERYONE ON THE WALL EXCEPT FOR YOU WHERE WERE YOU? DAD, I HAVE TO LEVEL WITH YOU I CUTOUT SCHOOL AND TOOK THE TRAIN TO THE CITY TO WATCH THE YANKEES WORLD VICTORY PARADE SON, THIS IS THE PROUDEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE FORTUNATELY, THAT WON'T BE HAPPENING THIS YEAR [ APPLAUSE ] IT WAS THE GAME LAST NIGHT THAT SUCKED I'VE NEVER SEEN THIS BEFORE I LANDED IN ORLANDO THIS MORNING, THE FIRST FLIGHT OUT OF NEW YORK, THE GROUND CREW THAT DO THE FUEL AND BAGGAGE ALL WEARING RED SOX CAPS AND CARRYING SIGNS THAT SAY YANKEES STUCK SCREAMING AT THE PLANE, I GAVE THEM THE FINK, FUCK THE RED SOX I HAVE A YOUNGER SISTER NAMED KAREN THAT JUST GRADUATED FROM DARTMOUTH GOES TO UCLA GRAD SCHOOL NOW I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY NAMED HER CARYN, WE HAVE AN AUNT NAMED SHARON AND AARON, IT'S A FUCKING CARTOON FAMILY YOU DON'T TO? WHAT IT'S LIKE IN THE BASEMENT AND HEAR THEM CALLING AND YOU DON'T TO? IF THEY'RE CALLING YOU OR YOUR SISTER. IT WAS EASIER FOR EVERYONE TO CALL ME BY MY LAST NAME TO THIS DAY EVERYONE CALLS ME CAIRO. IT RHYMES WITH J LOW TYRO! NO IT'S NOT EGYPT. I WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL AT KENNEDY HIGH SCHOOL OR P-O-B-J-F-K-H-S. WHICH I STILL BELIEVE HOLDS THE RECORD FOR LONGEST NAME IN HIGH SCHOOL HISTORY. IT WAS LIKE YOUR TYPICAL SUBURBAN PUBLIC HIGH SCHOOL. EQUAL PARTS, JAPS, JOBS, DORKS AND STONERS. IT WASN'T UNTIL ABOUT MY -- I JUST OFFENDED EVERYBODY IN THE ROOM DID YOU GET THAT? THAT WAS A GOOD JOKE SO, IT WAS ABOUT MY SOPHOMORE YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL WHEN I FIRST STARTED THINKING ABOUT COLLEGE REALLY, THE ONLY THING I KNEW WAS THAT I WANTED TO STUDIES. THAT REALLY CAME FROM MY DAD MY DAD IS A TOY COMPANY EXECUTIVE, WHO WORKS FOR MATELL TOY. YOU GUYS SAW THE APPRENTICE THEY WERE BRAINSTORMING ON A TOY, MY DAD'S OFFICE IS THE NEXT DOOR OVER AND TICKLE ME ELMO, WE LIKE TO SAY THAT THAT FURRY LITTLE FREAK PAID FOR COLLEGE, LITERALLY GROWING UP THE SON OF A TOY EXECUTIVE. I HAD FREE TOYS IT WAS AWESOME. WHEN I GOT OLDER I STARTED TO THINK ABOUT WHERE ALL THESE FREE TOYS WERE COMING FROM, STARTED TO THINK ABOUT WHAT MY DAD ACTUALLY DID ALL DAY. THAT'S WHEN I DECIDED I WANTED TO STUDIES IT WAS MY SOPHOMORE YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL WHEN I FIRST LEARNED OF THE WHARTON SCHOOL AT PENN. WHARTON IS A FOUR-YEAR UNDERSTAND GRADUATES PROGRAM, THE ONLIEST SCHOOL IN THE IVY LEAGUE, YOU APPLY DIRECTLY INTO IT. VERY PRESTIGIOUS. I SAW THIS, YEAH, I'M GOING TO GO TO WHARTON, START MY OWN COMPANY, TAKE OVER THE WORLD, I'M GOING TO CRUSH PEOPLE, YES I KNEW THAT WAS MY DESTINY. FOR THE REST OF HIGH SCHOOL, I BASICALLY DEDICATED MYSELF TO GETTING INTO WHARTON. I VOLUNTEERED, DID COMMUNITY SERVICE, ALL THAT STUFF NO ONE REALLY CARES ABOUT, YOU JUST DO IT FOR YOUR COLLEGE APPLICATION? SO, DELETE THAT ONE SINCE I KNEW PENN WAS THE ONLY PLACE I WAS GOING TO APPLY AND I WAS APPLYING EARLY DECISION, IT WAS THE ONLY APPLICATION I MADE OUT. IT'S NOT TRUE I ALSO APPLIED TO MICHIGAN MICHIGAN'S LIKE FLORIDA, THERE'S SO MANY PEOPLE, THE APPLICATION IS LIKE MULTIPLE CHOICE YOU'RE A GOOD STUDENT? YES. DO YOU WANT TO GO TO MICHIGAN? YES. LET YOU IN >> BOO >> THAT WAS A POOR CHOICE. SORRY ABOUT THAT I MADE FRIENDS AND I'M LOSING FRIENDS, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON SO, IT WILL BE GOOD FROM NOW ON SO IN THE FALL OF 1996, I FIRST STARTED WORKING ON MY COLLEGES SAY IN HINDSIGHT, I THINK THIS IS WHERE MY LOVE OF COMEDY WRITING FIRST BEGAN, BECAUSE AS YOU GUYS TO?, THE COLLEGES SAY IS PROBABLY ONE OF THE FEW PLACES TO DIFFERENTIATE YOURSELF ON THE COLLEGE APPLICATION SO I SPENT A LOT OF TIME ON IT THE QUESTION FOR PENN WAS REALLY BROAD, PRETTY MUCH COULD WRITE ABOUT ANYTHING. SINCE I PLAYED SOCCER MY WHOLE LIFE I DECIDED TO WRITE ABOUT THE BIGGEST GAME MY HIGH SCHOOL SOCCER TEAM EVER PLAYED. THIS IS HOW I BEGAN THE ESSAY THE LAST GAME OF THE VARSITY SOCCER SEASON WE NEED A WIN TO SALVAGE ANY CHANCE OF THE PLAINVIEW TEAM MAKING THE PLAYOFFS SINCE THE CARTER ADMINISTRATION, THERE'S FIVE MINUTES LEFT, THE SCORE IS TIED WHERE AM I AT THIS CRUCIAL DEFINING MOMENT? PRONE ON THE GROUND, WRITHING IN PAIN WITH MY HANDS ON MY CROTCH SO OF ALL THINGS I DECIDED TO WRITE MY COLLEGE APPLICATION ESSAY ABOUT GETTING HIT IN THE BALLS I FIGURED WHO ELSE IS GOING TO WRITE ABOUT THEIR BALLS IN THE ESSAY, THAT WILL DIFFERENTIATE MYSELF SO THE WHOLE ESSAY WAS IN A FLASHBACK, AS I'M LYING ON THE GROUND HOLDING MY CROTCH AND I FLASHBACK TO ALL THE DIFFERENT MEMORIES HOW SOCCER PLAYED SUCH AN IMPORTANT ROLE IN MY LIFE AND IT TOOK YOU ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE GAME I GOT INJURED IN THIS IS HOW I CONCLUDED THE ESSAY ALMOST IMMEDIATELY UPON ENTERING THE GAME I RECEIVE THE BALL AND PROCEEDED TO DRIBBLE UP THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE FIELD I SPUN PAST ONE DEFENDER, THEN WENT PAST ANOTHER. ONLY ONE MAN STOOD BETWEEN ME AND THE GOAL I FAKED LEFT, FOR A BRIEF MOMENT THOUGHT I HAD BEATEN THE DEFENDER THEN I FELT A SICK FANNING CRUNCH BETWEEN MY LEGS -- I FELT A SICKENING CRUNCH BETWEEN MY LEGS I HAD BEEN ELBOW AND MY CUP HAD SOMEHOW FLIPPED OVER PRACTICALLY EVISCERATING ME I FELL TO THE GROUND AS THE WHISTLE BLEW I LAY THERE REFLECTING AND TRYING TO COMPREHEND THE IMPACT OF THE LOW BLOW. AFTER A BRIEF INSPECTION I SAW I WAS FINE AND A LITTLE BLURRY-EYED I BEGAN TO RISE FROM THE GRASS. IT WAS AT THIS MOMENT I HEARD THE REFEREE SAY THOSE TWO WORDS THAT WILL RING FOREVER IN THE ANNALS OF SOCCER. PENALTY SHOT. MY TEAMMATES ENGULFED ME. THE CROWD SHOUTED CARE PRO NO ONE ACTUALLY REMEMBERS THAT LAST PART, BUT I'M TELLING YOU THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED. AT THIS POINT EVERYONE SAID, WOW, YOU CONVERTED THE PENALTY SHOT AND WON THE GAME? NOT EXACTLY. THE COACH WOULD NEVER LET ME TAKE A SHOT OF SUCH MAGNITUDE I WATCHED FROM THE SIDELINE WHILE SITTING ON AN ICE PACK AS OUR CENTER FORWARD SCORED THE GOAL. THAT'S HOW I WON THE BIG GAME CAIRO STYLE. ON DES 18TH, 1996, I GOT THE FAT ENVELOPE IN THE MAIL, GOT TO WHARTON, THEY LIKED THE ESSAY ABOUT MY BALLS THAT'S WHEN THINGS STARTED TO GET INTERESTING I GOT TO SCHOOL IN LATE AUGUST, 1997 MY FIRST COUPLE OF WEEKS OF FRESHMAN YEAR, I PARTIED LIKE A DIRTY FILTHY ANIMAL ROCK STAR I THINK ONE OF THE REASONS I PARTIED SO HARD WAYS HAD A LOT OF FRIENDS RIGHT OFF THE BAT, LIKE FIRST, SECOND DAY. I REMEMBER THE SECOND NIGHT OF SCHOOL THERE WAS A KNOCK ON MY DOOR, I OPENED THE DOOR AND I WHOLE HALLWAY IS OUTSIDE THEY'RE RIGHT, CARRY, WE'RE GOING OUT AS A HALL TONIGHT, RIGHT? I WAS RIGHT, YEAH, I'M GOING TO GO OUT WITH MY FRIENDS DORKS ! BUT IT'S NOT ALWAYS THAT EASY TO MEET PEOPLE RIGHT OFF THE BAT LIKE I DID I HAD 2002 MAJOR ADVANTAGES ONE, I WENT TO COLLEGE WITH ONE OF MY BUDDIES FROM HIGH SCHOOL RIGHT AWAY, HUGE ADVANTAGE, TWO OF YOU INSTEAD OF ONE. SECOND, AS I SAID BEFORE, I'M A JEW FROM LONG ISLAND. AS MANY OF YOU PROBABLY TO?, JEWS FROM LONG ISLAND HAVE A SPECIAL RADAR THAT ALLOWS THEM TO DETECT OTHER JEWS FROM LONG ISLAND. [ APPLAUSE ] SO, I'M IN THE CROWD, LIKE, SNIFF SNIFF FLEECE VEST, PROBABLY NOT JEWISH DIESEL JEANS? P. COAT, GREAT, LET'S HANG OUT, PLAINVIEW. SO, GREAT NECK MOTHER FUCKERS SO, I'M A COLLEGE FRESHMAN, HAVE A GROUP OF GREAT FRIENDS, I'M GOING TO THE FRAT HOUSES, TO THE CAMPUS BARS, CLUBS IN DOWNTOWN FILLY, I'M GOING ALL NIGHT, SLEEPING ALL DAY, AND THEN IT HAPPENED. SUNDAY NIGHT ROLLED AROUND AND I COULDN'T FALL ASLEEP WHEN I FIRST GOT TO SCHOOL, I DECIDED SUNDAY NIGHT WOULD BE MY DAY OF REST, I WOULD GO OUT, WOULD REST UP, DO WORK, ALTHOUGH I NEVER DID, I WOULD REST UP INFORMATION COMING WEEK MY BODY CLOCK WAS SO REVERSED FROM BEING OUT ALL NIGHT AND SLEEP ALL DAY, I WOULD TOSS AND TURN FOR HOURS, COULD NOT SLEEP. SEPTEMBER 21ST, 1997, WAS LIKE MY SECOND AND THIRD WEEK OF SCHOOL, A SUNDAY NIGHT. LIKE ALL OTHER PREVIOUS SUNDAY NIGHTS, COULDN'T FALL ASLEEP I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS, I DON'T KNOW IF IT WAS INSOMNIA, BOREDOM, WHAT, I GOT OUT OF BED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, I SAT DOWN AT MY COMPUTER AND STARTED WRITING E-MAILS FILLED WITH FUNNY THOUGHTS AND OBSERVATIONS ABOUT COLLEGE LIFE I WAS THINKING OF THE CRAZY PEOPLE I MET IN THREE WEEKS OF SCHOOL AND HILARIOUS THINGS THAT HAD HAPPENED I WROTE THEM IN AN E-MAIL AND ON A WHIM I E-MAILED THEM TO 20 OF MY BUDDIES IN PLAINVIEW HIGH SCHOOL AND CALLED IT AARON KARO'S RUMINATIONS ON COLLEGE LIFE I DON'T QUITE KNOW WHY I CALLED IT RUMINATIONS? IT MEANS THOUGHTS OR REFLEXES. I DON'T THINK BACK THEN I KNEW WHAT IT MEANT YOU'RE LIKE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT MEANT EITHER. I THINK IT'S BECOME APPROPRIATE TO WHAT I WAS WRITING, WHICH WERE BASICALLY PARAGRAPH SIZED ANTIDOTES OF COLLEGE. MY FIRST E-MAIL, SEPTEMBER 1997 I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO DO LAUNDRY NOT LIKE I HAVE SOME IDEA, I JUST DON'T TO? HOW MUCH FABRIC SOFTENER TO USE, I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO DO LAUNDRY I HAD THIS VISION THERE WOULD BE SOME CUTE CHICK IN THE LAUNDRY ROOM TO DO IT EVERY TIME I WENT THERE. DREAMS DIEHARD BUT I HAVE NO UNDERWEAR CAMPUS IS REALLY A COMMUNIST SOCIETY I HAVE NOTHING, IT ALL BELONGS TO THE UNIVERSITY I HAVE NO MONEY, IT'S ALL MY PARENTS MY MEALS ARE SERVED IN LITTLE SQUARE PORTIONS IN ONE BRICK BUILDING ONLY DURING CERTAIN HOURS OF THE DAY IS THIS COLLEGE OR THE SOVIET UNION ALTHOUGH MY FRIENDS GOT A KICK OUT OF MY LITTLE E-MAIL NEITHER THEY NOR I THOUGHT MUCH OF IT WE WERE COLLEGE FRESHMAN, HIGH SCHOOL BUDDIES, WE WERE SENDING DIRTY E-MAILS TO EACH OTHER ALL THE TIME IT WASN'T THAT BIG A DEAL SOMETHING HAPPENED THAT WOULD CHANGE MY LIFE FOREVER SUNDAY NIGHT ROLLED AROUND AGAIN AGAIN, COULDN'T SLEEP, GOT OUT OF BED AND STARTED JOTTING DOWN FUNNY THOUGHTS AND OBSERVATIONS ABOUT COLLEGE AFTER TWO OR THREE WEEKS OF THIS, I HAD ENOUGH THINGS JOTTED DOWN TO PUT IN ANOTHER E-MAIL AND E-MAIL TO THOSE SAME 20 FRIENDS AND CALLED IT RUMINATIONS ON COLLEGE LIFE, ISSUE NUMBER TWO. THIS TIME I FOCUSED ON LIFE IN THE DORM. IS THIS IT? NO. WHAT HAPPENED HERE? OH, YEAH, THIS IS A GOOD ONE SPEAKING OF DORM BATHROOMS, ALL MY FRIENDS WHO SHARE A BATHROOM WITH JUST ONE ROOMMATE ALWAYS BRAG HOW GREAT IT IS PERSONALLY I WOULD RATHER SHARE A TOILET WITH TEN OTHER GUYS THAN JUST ONE IT'S ALL ABOUT THE UNCERTAINTY PRINCIPLE [ LAUGHTER ] WHEN THERE'S SOMETHING DISGUSTING ON THE TOILET SEAT IN A COMMUNAL BATHROOM, YOU'RE NEVER EXACTLY SURE WHO DID IT IF YOU SOME SHARE A TOILET WITH ONE OTHER PERSON YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHO THE DIRTY LITTLE FUCKER IS, YOUR ROOMMATE CONTINUE ON THIS BATHROOM THEME HERE FOR A MOMENT, MY DORM BATHROOM WATER HAS ONLY TWO TEMPERATURES, OFF AND THERMO NUCLEAR HOT ! THE SHOWERS ONLY USED TO PROVIDE BOILING WATER TO MAKE COFFEE EVEN THE TOILET WATER IS HOT WHEN YOU FLUSH SOME, STEAM SHOOTS OUT, LIKE OLD FAITHFUL ! WHAT WAS IMPORTANT ABOUT MY SECOND ISSUE ON RUMINATIONS ON COLLEGE LIFE, IT WAS THE FIRST ISSUE TO GET FORWARDED MY FRIEND FRIENDS IN HIGH SCHOOL FORWARDED IT TO SOME FRIENDS IN COLLEGE THEY E-MAILED ME I MET YOUR BUDDY IN PLAINVIEW, HE SENT ME SOME OF YOUR E-MAIL COULD YOU ADD ME TO YOUR LIST? I WAS LIKE, WHAT LIST? I DIDN'T THINK MUCH OF IT THESE WERE RANDOM PEOPLE RESPONDING TO THE E-MAIL, THEY WERE FRIENDS OF FRIENDS SO I KNEW WHERE THEY WERE COMING FROM SO IT WAS STILL PRETTY COOL. MY THIRD MONTH I SEND OUT RUMINATIONS ON COLLEGE LIFE THIS TIME I SENT IT TO MY 20 FRIENDS FROM HIGH SCHOOL AS WELL AS ANYBODY WHO E-MAILED ME FRIENDS OF HIGH SCHOOL FRIENDS I TRIED A LITTLE EXPERIMENT I PUT MY E-MAIL ADDRESS AS WELL AS AN E-MAIL, IF YOU GET THIS AS A FORWARD, E-MAIL ME, I'LL ADD YOU TO MY LIST. I FIGURED I'LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS I FOCUSED ON LIFE IN THE DORM HOW'S THE ELECTRICITY SITUATION IN YOUR DORM ROOM? MY DORM BREAKS EVERY FIRE HAZARD LAW STATE OF PENNSYLVANIA. I HAVE A SURGE PROTECTOR PLUGGED INTO A SURGE CONNECTOR, CONNECTED BY THREE EXTENSION CORDS AND BEHIND MY DESK, OH, MAN, THAT'S WHERE STRAY WIRES GO TO DIE IF I EVER SPILL A GLASS OF WATER BACK THERE, THE WHOLE DAMN PLACE WILL BLOW UP WE JUST GOT A STEAM ROOM IN MY HALLWAY REMEMBER HOW I SAID OUR BATHROOM WATER HAS ONLY TWO TEMPERATURES, OFF AND THERMO NUCLEAR HOT? NOW THE SHOWER'S BROKEN IT'S BEEN RUNNING CONTINUOUSLY FOR SEVEN DAY PORT-AU-PRINCE IT'S SO HOT IT TURNED THE PLACE INTO A STEAM ROOM WE ALL GO IN THERE AND SIT AROUND IN TOWELS, TALKING ABOUT THE STOCK MARKET IT'S GREAT IT WAS AFTER THIS ISSUE I FIRST REALIZED I WAS ON TO SOMETHING BECAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLE STARTED E-MAILING ME NOT JUST FRIENDS OF FRIENDS, BUT FRIENDS OF FRIENDS OF FRIENDS ALL THROUGH THIS CIRCUITOUS ROUTE OF FORWARDING I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE THE ORIGINAL E-MAIL HAD COME FROM THEY ALL READ MY E-MAIL AND WANTED MORE I KEPT WRITING ONE SLEEPLESS SUNDAY NIGHT I PUT OUT AN ISSUE BY THE END OF THE FIRST SEMESTER I HAD ABOUT 300 SUBSCRIBERS STEMMING FROM MY FIRST START OF 20. I HAD A BUDDY E-MAIL COLUMN AND EARNED A WHOPPING 3 POINT 0-GPA IN WHARTON. MY PARENTS, AS YOU CAN IMAGINE WERE NOT THAT THRILLED I TOLD THEM IT MUST HAVE BEEN ALL THE SUGARY CEREAL I HAD BEEN EATING. PENN, SECOND SEMESTER, FRESHMAN YEAR IS WHEN YOU RUSH. TO ME, RUSH WAS JUST MORE GREAT FOUND INFORMATION MY COLUMN. AS I WROTE, ONE OF MY FAVORITE TIMES OF YEAR AT COLLEGE IS RUSH, WHEN THE FRATERNITIES AND COLLEGES DECIDE WHO THEY WILL TAKE INTO THEIR NEW PLEDGE CLASSES RUSH GOES A LITTLE SOMETHING LIKE THIS THE FRESHMAN GIRLS PUT ON THEIR FINEST BLACK PANTS AND HAVE FAKE CONVERSATIONS WITH SORORITY GIRLS THEY'LL EVENTUALLY BACKSTAB. [ APPLAUSE ] LATER THE SORORITIES WILL UTILIZE THE PROCESS OF SCAN TRON BUBBLE SHEETS TO DETERMINE WHICH GIRLS ARE BEST SUITED FOR THEIR HOUSE. MEANWHILE THE FRESHMEN GUYS LEARN FREE BEER DOES TASTE BETTER AND GET SO WITH A WASTED THEY DON'T EVEN REMEMBER WHICH FRAT BOYS THEY WERE TALKING TO LATER THE FRAT BOYS WILL ATTEMPT TO FIGURE OUT WHICH GUYS THEY WANT EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE SO BOMBED THEY DIDN'T TO? RUSH WITH A WAS GOING ON IN THE FIRST PLACE. IT IS A GOOD THING THE NEXT THREE YEARS OF A PERSON'S SOCIAL LIFE ARE DETERMINED IN SUCH AN EFFICIENT MATTER. I ALWAYS FELT BAD FOR THE GIRLS THAT THAT TO ENDURE RUSH AND FOR THE GUYS, IT ROCKED, FREE BOOZE, FREE GIRLS, FREE STRIPPERS, AWESOME. IN THE END I DECIDED TO CHOOSE ONE FRATERNITY. ALL RIGHT. GOOD WORK GOOD WORK, ORBT, ZANY BAGEL THROWERS. ZILLIONS, BILLIONS, TRILLIONS. OR AS WE'RE AFFECT NATURALLY KNOWN AT -- AFFECTIONATELY KNOWN AT PENN AS ZANA BETA SHADY OR WERE UNTIL WE WERE THROWN OFF-CAMPUS LAST YEAR I LIKE TO CALL ZBT A PAST TENSE FRATERNITY. OH, CAIRO, WITH WHAT FRATERNITY WERE YOU? OH, WE HAD THEM. SO AT THE TIME, ZBT WAS THE BIGGEST FRATERNITY ON PENN'S CAMPUS IT WOULD BECOME AN IMPORTANT PART OF MY NEXT 3 1/2 YEARS OF COLLEGE. AS I WROTE, I THINK YOU CAN SUM UP GREEK LIFE THIS WAY SORORITIES ARE A BUNCH OF GIRLS WHO HATE EACH OTHER ORGANIZED TO TRAVEL IN HERDS AND FIGHT OVER FRAT BOYS. FRATERNITIES ARE A BUNCH OF GUY WHOSE LOVE EACH OTHER ORGANIZED TO GET WASTED FASTER AND CHEAPER AND HOOK UP WITH SORORITY GIRLS. THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE STORIES IT'S ACTUALLY NOT IN THE BOOK MY SENIOR YEAR I WAS THE HEAD RUSH CHAIR FOR ZBT WE HAVE THIS LONG TRADITION -- OR HAD, THE LAST DAY OF RUSH, ALL THE RUSH CHAIRS WOULD GO TO THE FRESHMAN DORM WITH A BOTTLE OF TEQUILA AND VIDEO CAMERA. YOU COULD SEE -- WE'RE NOT THERE ANYMORE AND THIS WASN'T EVEN LIKE WHAT THE PROBLEM WAS SO WE WOULD GO TO ALL THE FRESHMEN ROOMS STILL RUSHING, BUS THEM TO THEIR ROOMS, RUSH IN AND TAKE A SHOW WE ARE THE FRESHMAN AND VIDEOTAPE THEM MAKING A TOAST LATER WHEN THE BROTHERS GATHERED TO VOTE, WE WOULD HAVE A BIG SCREEN TV WITH A VIDEO AND HAVE A NAME TO MATCH WITH A FACE TO THROW SHIT AT. WE WENT TO THE LAST KID'S NAME, A FRESHMAN AND BUST INTO HIS ROOM AND SCARED HIM HALF TO DEATH NONE HAD BEEN TO HIS ROOM BEFORE AND HE LIVED IN A WHEELCHAIR ACCESSIBLE ROOM. HE WASN'T IN A WHEELCHAIR BUT IT TURNED OUGHT HE WAS IN WHEELCHAIR ACCESSIBLE ROOM IT WAS COOL, ELECTRONIC DOORS, ALL THE HALLWAYS WERE REALLY WIDE, IT WAS NICE. WE'RE TALKING AND ONE OF THE OTHER RUSH CHAIRS, MY BUDDY LEANS AGAINST THE WALL AND ACCIDENTALLY HITS A BUTTON. ACROSS THE ROOM A DOOR OPENS UP AND THERE A' CHICK INSIDE MY BUDDY TURNS TO THE FRESHMAN AND GOES, DUDE, DO ALL THE BUTTONS DO THAT? SO I CONTINUE TO WRITE RUMINATIONS ON COLLEGE LIFE THROUGHOUT MY SECOND SEMESTER SECOND YEAR AND THIS WAS A SEMESTER YOU LEARNED YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO STUDY TO DO WELL IN COLLEGE. I WROTE, TAKING EXAMS IN COLLEGE IS EASY FIGURING OUT THE CURVE THIS IS HARD PART I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THE CURVE WORKS HOW I DO GET A 25 AND GET AN A? HOW I DO GET A 95 AND GET A C? DID YOU EVER GET THE FEELING THAT THE CURVE IS JUST BIG CONSPIRACY AGAINST YOU? LIKE BEFORE YOU GOT TO CLASS THE TEACHER AND EVERYBODY ELSE FIGURED OUT THE EXACT MEAN AND STANDARD DEVIATION THAT WOULD SCREW YOU THE MOST? THOSE BASTARDS THE WORST PART IS LIKE ME, MY PARENTS JUST DON'T GET IT THIS CONVERSATION BETWEEN MY DAD AND I DAD, SO HOW WAS YOUR TEST? ME PRETTY HARD BUT EVERYONE ELSE THOUGHT IT WAS HARD SO MAYBE THE CURVE WON'T BE THAT BAD DAD DON'T WORRY ABOUT ANYONE BUT YOURSELF ME I TO? BUT IF EVERYONE ELSE DOES BADLY I CAN STILL DO WELL DAD WHY DON'T YOU JUST TRY HARDER? ARE YOU ON DRUGS? ME NO DAD IT'S THE CURVE THE LAST TEST I GOT AN A EVEN THOUGH I GOT A 46 BECAUSE OF THE CURVE DAD YOU GOT A 46, WE'RE NOT SENDING YOU ANY MORE MONEY BY THE END OF MY FRESHMAN YEAR I HAD WRITTEN AN ISSUE OF RUMINATIONS ON COLLEGE LIFE EVERY MONTH I HAD ABOUT 700 SUBSCRIBERS I HAD BEEN INITIATED INTO ZBT I HAD RAISED MY GPA SIGNIFICANTLY LIFE WAS GOOD THE SUMMER AFTER MY FRESHMAN YEAR I INTERNED AT THE TOY FACTORY AND IN MY SPARE TIME, I REALIZED WHEN I GOT BACK TO SCHOOL FOR MY SOPHOMORE YEAR I WANTED TO GET A LITTLE BIT MORE SERIOUS ABOUT MY COLUMN I CREATED MY FIRST WEBSITE ON SEPTEMBER 1ST, 1998, AARONKARO.COM WENT LIVE AND IT WAS A BIG STEP SOPHOMORE YEAR WAS GREAT BECAUSE I LIVED IN THE ZBT HOUSE AS ANYONE WHOEVER LIVED IN A FRAT HOUSE KNOWS YOUR DAYS AND NIGHTS ARE FILLED WITH ENDLESS DEBAUCHERY AS I WROTE, FRAT BOY GATES BAD RAP THEY SAY WE'RE CRUDE AND IRRESPONSIBLE WHICH I GUESS WE ARE BUT WE'RE ALSO CREATIVE IN OUR CRUDENESS AND IRRESPONSIBILITY OCCASIONALLY, WE'LL HAVE MIXERS WITH A SORORITY AT THE FRATERNITY HOUSE WE BUY A COUPLE OF CASE OF CHEAP, CHEAP 2 DOLLARS VODKA AND HAVE OUR PLEDGES POUR IT INTO EMPTY BOTTLES AND COUNT AS ONE THE GIRLS COME OVER AND THEY'RE LIKE, HEY, THESE GUYS ARE HIGH CLASS LOOK AT THAT EXPENSIVE VODKA IF ONLY THEY KNEW NOW, FUNNY THING HAPPENED WHEN I STARTED WRITING MY COLUMN AGAIN MY SOPHOMORE YEAR ALL OF A SUDDEN MY READERSHIP EXPLODED I STARTED GETTING E-MAILS FROM BRAZIL, BOSNIA, TURKEY, AUSTRALIA IT WAS FROM PEOPLE OF ALL AGES AND HIGH SCHOOL KIDS SAYING THEY NEVER HAVE BEEN THIS EXCITED ABOUT COLLEGE UNTIL THEY READ MY COLUMN I WONDER WHY SOME RECENT GRADS WHO LIKE TO RELIVE THEIR GLORY DAYS SOME PARENTS WHO WROTE TO THANK ME FOR TELLING THEM WHAT THEIR KIDS WERE REALLY UP TO PEOPLE IN 50S AND 60S WROTE TO TELL ME COLLEGE HADN'T REALLY CHANGED THAT MUCH SINCE THEY WENT TO SCHOOL AT THE END OF THE DAY -- ACTUALLY THAT'S FUNNY THE YOUNGEST E-MAIL I GOT WAS 8TH GRADE DUDE, WE LOVE YOUR COLUMN THAT IT'S FUCKED UP. COUNT IT SO, AT THE END OF THE DAY, MY PRIMARY AUDIENCE -- I HAVEN'T STARTED DRINKING YET, PRIMARY AUDIENCE WAS COLLEGE KIDS LIKE YOURSELF THE COLLEGE AUDIENCE BASICALLY CAME TWO DIFFERENT GROUPS I THINK ONE OF THE MAIN REASONS FOR MY SUCCESS THAT IT TURNS OUT THAT COLLEGE EXPERIENCE IS VERY UNIVERSAL IF YOU GO TO FLORIDA OR OR USC, MICHIGAN, WHATEVER AND YOU'RE HAVING A GREAT TIME AND PARTYING HARD, WORKING HARD, YOU'RE GOING THROUGH A LOT OF THE SAME THINGS I WAS DOING. GUYS WOULD E-MAIL ME, CAIRO, MAN, I'M NOT GAY, BUT I LOVE YOU ! YOU'RE LIKE WRITING WHAT I'M THINKING, MAN ! AND THEN I WOULD HAVE ANOTHER GROUP OF COLLEGE KIDS WHO JOINED MY E-MAILS WHO WEREN'T HAVING THAT GOOD A TIME AT COLLEGE EITHER BECAUSE THEY WEREN'T GOING TO THE SCHOOL THEY WANTED TO GO TO, WEREN'T DOING WELL, COMMUTING OR LIVED AT HOME, AND THEY LIKE TO LIVE VICARIOUSLY THROUGH ME HUNDREDS STARTED JOINING AND THEN THOUSANDS I STARTED GETTING PHONE CALLS FROM PEOPLE WHO WOULD LOOK MY NUMBER UP ON THE PENN DIRECTORY IN THE INTERNET, I JUST WANTED TO HEAR YOUR VISIT I'M UNLISTING IT I SPOKE WITH A RUSSIAN PROFESSOR WHO WANTED TO TRANSLATE MY COLUMNS INTO INTO RUSSIA TO SHARE THEM WITH HIS STUDENTS HE SAID I WISH YOU BEST OF LUCK AND LESS THROWING UP IN THE FUTURE AT ONE POINT, I STARTED GETTING ALL THESE E-MAILS FROM PEOPLE IN AUSTRIA. IT WAS WEIRD BECAUSE THEY WERE ALL COMING FROM THE SAME DOMAIN SO EVENTUALLY I E-MAILED ONE OF THE PEOPLE, HEY, I KEEP GETTING ALL THESE E-MAILS IN AUSTRIA WHAT'S THE DEAL? IT TURNS OUT THEY WERE ENGLISH STUDENTS AT A COLLEGE IN AUSTRIA THE TEACHER HAD THEM SIGN MY WEBSITE AS REQUIRED READING SO THEY CAN LEARN AMERICAN SLANG SOMEWHERE THERE'S A BUNCH OF AUSTRIANS GOING AROUND, YO, DUDE, WHAT'S UP, LET'S GET WASTED, BECAUSE OF MY COLUMN I ALSO GOT AN E-MAIL FROM AN EMPLOYEE AT MICROSOFT WHO WROTE TO TELL ME HE WAS AT THIS BIG WORLDWIDE MEETING AND WALKED BY THIS TABLE WITH ALL THE BIG WIGS AND WERE TALKING ABOUT MY SITE AND BILL GATES HIMSELF MENTION HEED SAW IT AND THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY AND CORROBORATED IT FROM A PERSON WHO WAS ALSO AT THIS MEETING. I WANT TO WORK AND BUILD A COMPANY AND CRUSH PEOPLE, BILL GATES IS READING MY STUFF I WAS VERY EXCITED. AS MY SOPHOMORE YEAR ENDED MY E-MAILING LIST WAS UP TO THOUSANDS OF MEMBERS AND HAD SOME SOFTWARE THAT AUTOMATED IT SO PEOPLE COULD SIGN THEMSELVES UP AARON KARO WAS GETTING E-MAIL ALL OVER THE WORLD. PEOPLE WERE LOOKING AT ME AS THE VOICE OF COLLEGE STUDENTS EVERYWHERE >> BECAUSE OF THE UNFORTUNATE EVENTS AT THE UNIVERSITY OF PENNSYLVANIA, THE ADMINISTRATION HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE THE CAMPUS DRY INDEFINITELY NO ALCOHOL IF IT'S NOT REALLY A POLITIC CALLIE ACTIVE STUDENTS WHEN A CHINESE LEADER CAME THERE WAS BARELY A PEEP WHEN IT WAS DISCOVERED LO GO ON CLOTHING WAS MADE IN SWEAT SHOPS WHEN THEY TRIED TO TAKE THE BEER AWAY WE WERE 1, 000 STRONG MARCHING FOR A PROTEST RALLY TO END THE DRY POLICY AND GOES TO SHOW WHAT COLLEGE STUDENTS CARE ABOUT MY GPA MOVING UP SLOWLY BUT SURELY AND I MOVED OUT OF THE FRAT HOUSE AND BEGAN MY NEXT PASSAGE STUDY ABROAD. WHAT I WROTE IS THE IRONY OF STUDY ABROAD, THERE ISN'T MUCH STUDY ABROAD IT'S A LIKE YOUR SCHOOL SAYS HERE'S SOME ROUND TICKETS TO EUROPE, THREE A'S AND AN A MINUS, ENJOY. YOU LEARN HOW TO SAY THREE BEERS, PLEASE, IN THREE DIFFERENT LANGUAGE PORT-AU-PRINCE WHEN I RETURNED TO SCHOOL IN SEPTEMBER 1999, I WROTE ABOUT SOME OF MY EXPERIENCES ABROAD IN MY COLUMN I WROTE, TRUE STORY EVEN I WAS NOT IMMUNE TO THE OCCASIONAL DUMB ASS COLUMN WHILE OVERSEAS IN LONDON I WAS TALKING TO BRITISH KIDS ABOUT DRINKING GAMES I ASKED THEM, DO YOU PLAY QUARTERS? >> THEY'RE LIKE, BLOKE, WE DON'T EVEN HAVE QUARTERS. STUPID, STUPID MAN SO MY JUNIOR YEAR I MOVED INTO AN OFF-CAMPUS APARTMENT WHERE I LIVED UNTIL GRADUATION I WROTE, I LIVE WITH NINE OTHER GUYS IN A FOUR STORY HOUSE AND NO ONE GETS THE DOOR, EVER THE KIDS ON THE FOURTH FLOOR CLAIM THEY'RE TOO FAR AWAY, THE KIDS ON THE SECOND FLOOR COMPLAIN THEY ALWAYS HAVE TO GET THE DOOR AND NOW REFUSE TO DO IT THE KIDS ON THE THIRD FLOOR ARE JUST PLAIN LAZY WE HATE GETTING THE DOOR SO MUCH IF ANYONE EVER COMES OVER MORE THAN ONCE, WE JUST MAKE THEM A KEY. MY COLUMNS CONTINUE DURING MY JUNIOR AND SENIOR YEARS AN I STARTED SELLING ADVERTISING IN EACH E-MAIL. MEANWHILE, PEOPLE STARTED PRINTING OUT MY ISSUES FROM AARONKARO.COM AND POSTING THEM INSIDE BATHROOM STALLS INSIDE THE DORM I STARTED GETTING E-MAILS FROM PEOPLE WHO FIRST HEARD ABOUT ME SITTING ON THE TOILET. THE ISSUES CONTINUED I WROTE MY PERSONAL FAVORITE, DO YOU HAVE THAT ONE POSTER IN YOUR ROOM THAT HAS FALLEN DOWN EVERY SINGLE DAY SO FAR? IT'S RIGHT OVER YOUR BED SO IT FALLS ON YOU IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND SCARCE THE HELL OUT OF YOU? YOU'RE ALWAYS TOO LAZY TO PUT ANY EXTRA TAPE ON IT TO MAKE IT STICK YOU PUT IT BACK UP KNOWING FULL WELL IT'S JUST GOING TO FALL DOWN AGAIN IN ABOUT 12 HOURS IF YOU'RE UP EARLY ENOUGH ON SUNDAY MORNING, ANY COLLEGE ACROSS THE COUNTRY, YOU'RE BOUND TO SEE A PHENOMENON KNOWN AS THE WALK OF SHAME THE WALK OF SHAME IS EVERY COLLEGE KID KNOWS OCCURS WHEN A GUY AND A GIRL HOOK UP AND THEN THE NEXT MORNING ONE OF THEM HAS TO TRIAL JUDGE HOME WEARING THE SAME THING THEY WORE THE NIGHT BEFORE SOME PEOPLE ARE VERY EMBARRASSED WHEN THEY HAVE TO WALK ME, I DON'T MIND IT SO MUCH I THINK OF IT MORE AS A WALK OF TRIUMPH NOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE ASK ME, CAIRO, WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK ABOUT THIS? YOU'RE WRITING ABOUT DRINKING AND GIRLS AND HOOKING UP THEY COULDN'T HAVE BEEN THRILLED THE TRUTH IS THEY DID START TO READ MY E-MAILS WHEN I FIRST STARTED TO WRITE THEM WHEN THE LANGUAGE BECAME A LITTLE MORRIS 68, I TOOK THEM OFF THE LIST WHEN I AUTOMATED THE PROCESS MY PARENTS PROVED CRAFTIER THAN I INITIALLY THOUGHT AND SIGNED THEMSELVES UP THEY'VE READ EVERY COLUMN I'VE EVER WRITTEN TO BE HONEST, THEY WERE PRETTY COOL WITH IT MY MOM -- EXCUSE ME, THAT WAS RUDE WHAT DOES THAT COME OUT, LIKE BURP? THIS IS GREAT I SHOULD BRING YOU TO ALL MY SHOWS WHAT WAS I TALKING ABOUT? OH, RIGHT SO, THANK YOU SO, MY MOM DIDN'T LIKE AND STILL DOESN'T LIKE WHEN I CURSE BUT THE TRUTH IS, EVEN THOUGH I DIDN'T WRITE ABOUT IT THAT MUCH, MY SOPHOMORE AND JUNIOR YEARS AT WHARTON, I DID A LOT OF WORK I WAS VERY STUDIOUS AND STARTED TO DO REALLY WELL AS LONG AS I KEPT MY GPA UP AND LAID OFF THE FROSTED FLAKES MY PARENTS ARE PRETTY COOL WITH ME TO THIS DAY, MY SISTER AND MOM PROOFREAD ALL MY COLUMNS BEFORE I SEND THEM OUT. HOW DO YOU SPELL ASS? OBVIOUSLY, SHE KNOWS THAT ONE. WHEN HE WHILE THE ISSUES CONTINUED AARON KARO.COM WAS NAMED ONE OF THE TOP 100 WEBSITES BY COLLEGE STUDENTS. AS A COMMUNITY PROJECT A GROUP OF STUDENTS AT SYRACUSE DID A SITCOM BASED ON THE COLUMN THEY GOT AN A PLUS. AND AFTER A DORM FIRE KILLED SEVERAL STUDENTS, MY COLUMN WAS THE ONLY THING THAT HELPED KIDS TO SMILE AGAIN WORD SPREAD AND THOUSANDS JOINED BY MY SENIOR YEARS I GO OUT TO BARS AND COME HOME WITH E-MAIL ADDRESSES ON NAPKINS INSTEAD OF PHONE NUMBERS. TO BE HONEST AT ONE POINT IT BECAME TOO MUCH AND I THOUGHT ABOUT STOPPING THE COLUMN BETWEEN THE ADVERTISING AND WEBSITE WHAT WAS THE OTHER THING THAT WAS BOTHERING ME? THE MAILING LIST AND ALL THE E-MAILS I WAS GETTING, SOMETIMES HUNDREDS OF DAY IT WAS BECOMING MORE WORK THAN FUNSTON, IT WAS ORIGINALLY ONE OF MY BUDDIES SAT ME DOWN AND SAID, YOU HAVE TO FINISH OUT, TOO MANY PEOPLE ARE COWNGT ON YOU I DECIDED TO GET RID OF THE ADVERTISING, STREAMLINE THE WHOLE PROCESS AND GET BACK TO MAKING PEOPLE LAUGH I WROTE YOU KNOW WHAT ONE OF THE BEST PARTS OF SENIOR YEAR IS? HOOKING UP WITH YOUR FRIENDS IT'S LIKE, OKAY, WE'VE LAUGHED TOGETHER, WE'VE CRIED TOGETHER, NOW, LET'S JUST GET NAKED BECAUSE THAT'S ONE OF THE ESSENTIAL GOALS OF COLLEGE, RIGHT, TO TRY TO SEE AS MANY PEOPLE NAKED AS POSSIBLE COME THE END OF THE SENIOR YEAR, YOU LOOK AROUND THE BAR, I'VE SEEN MOST OF THESE PEOPLE NAKED BEFORE YOU TURN TO YOUR FRIEND NEXT TO YOU AND LIKE, SO WHAT ARE YOU UP TO LATER? I THINK EVERY COLLEGE CAMPUS HAS THAT BAR YOU KNOW, THAT BAR THAT EVERYONE GOES TO ALL THE TIME EVERYONE COMPLAINS IT SUCKS AND ASKS WHY EVERYONE KEEPS GOING THERE? I THINK WE SHOULD ALL STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT THAT BAR EMBRACE IT FOR WHAT IT IS AND ADMIT YOU ALWAYS GO THERE ANYWAY. ADMIT SOMETIMES IT'S EVEN FUNSTON SO BY MY SECOND SEMESTER OF FRESHMAN YEAR -- FRESHMAN YEAR -- SECOND SEMESTER OF SENIOR YEAR I ALREADY ACCEPTED A FULL TIME JOB AT A TOP WALL STREET INVESTMENT BANK, TALKED ABOUT MY COLUMN AT EVERY INTERVIEW. I TOOK TWO CLASSES, BOTH/FAIL, BOTH ONLY MET ONCE A WEEK, BOTH ONLY ON MONDAY DAYS. ONE WAS GEOGRAPHY, THE OTHER WAS TAUGHT BY MY FRAT BROTHER'S DAD. GRADUATION LOOMED I WROTE THAT BAR AT MY SCHOOL WAS CALLED SMOKEY JOE'S. SMOKES HAS BEEN AROUND FOREVER AND YES, WE GO THERE ALL THE TIME A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO I WAS THERE AND NOTICED THERE WAS A DIGITAL COUNTDOWN CLOCK ON THE WALL AT FIRST I THOUGHT IT WAS COUNTING DOWN TO THE NEXT ST. PATRICK'S DAY OR SOMETHING I DIDN'T PAY MUCH ATTENTION. THEN WE REALIZED IT WAS COUNT DOWNING TO GRADUATION, OUR GRADUATION THIS WAS UNACCEPTABLE AND MY FRIEND ENDED THE TRAVESTY BY SMASHING THE CLOCK WITH A BEER BOTTLE IN FACT, EVERY TIME I'M IN SMOKE'S I MAKE IT A POINT TO STOP THE CLOCK BEING IN THAT BAR EVERY NIGHT IS BAD ENOUGH WITHOUT BEING REMINDED WITH HOW LITTLE TIME WE HAVE LEFT TOWARD THE END OF MY SENIOR YEAR I GOT SOME GREAT NEWS I HAD BEEN CHOSEN AS A COMMENCEMENT SPEAKER AT THE WHARTON SCHOOL OF GRADUATION IT WAS AN INCREDIBLE HONOR ON APRIL 26TH, 2001 , I E-MAILED OUT MY FINAL ISSUE OF RUMINATIONS ON COLLEGE LIFE MY FINAL WORDS THIS IS IT COLLEGE IS ALMOST OVER I'M NOT SAD I'LL BE LIVING IN MANHATTAN, WORKING LONG HOURS, NOT PARTYING THAT MUCH, WAKING UP EARLY EVERYDAY. WAIT A MINUTE THAT SUCKS ! IT HAD TO HAPPEN EVENTUALLY, RIGHT? AT LEAST I LEARNED A LOT OF VALUABLE THINGS THAT WILL HELP ME IN THE FUTURE, HOW TO HANDLE A HANGOVER, HOW TO TAP A KEG, THE RULES OF BEER PENTAGON WAIT A MINUTE, NONE OF THESE THINGS ARE USEFUL OUTSIDE OF COLLEGE. SHIT ! A LOT OF PEOPLE ASKED ME -- WHAT DID THEY ASK ME? IF I'M SCARED ABOUT GRADUATING? THE ANSWER IS NO I HAD THE TIME OF MY LIFE I MADE GREAT FRIENDS I EXPERIENCED EVERYTHING I COULD THESE PAST FOUR YEARS RIGHT NOW, I'M ENJOYING MY LAST FEW WEEKS AND NOT LOOKING AHEAD WAIT I JUST HEARD THEY FIXED THE COUNTDOWN CLOCK AGAIN LOOKS LIKE I'M OFF TO HIT THAT BAR ONE LAST TIME THAT E-MAIL WENT OUT TO OVER 11, 000 PEOPLE AROUND THE WORLD, MANY OF WHOM TOLD ME THEY CRIED WHEN THEY READ IT WHAT BEGAN AS THE SLEEPLESS THOUGHTS OF A COLLEGE FRESHMAN HAD BECOME AN INTERNATIONAL PHENOMENA AND NOW IT WAS OVER OR SO I THOUGHT ! AT THE END OF MY FINAL ISSUE, I THANKED MY READERS FOR THEIR SUPPORT OVER THE PAST FOUR YEARS I ALSO ASKED THEM FOR SOME HELP BECAUSE TOWARDS THE END OF MY SENIOR YEAR I STARTED TO REALIZE I HAVE ALL THIS GREAT MATERIAL, MAYBE I CAN MAKE A TV SHOW OR MOVIE, I CAN DO SOMETHING WITH THIS I WAS GOING TO WALL STREET, I WAS GOING TO START A COMPANY, I WAS GOING TO CRUSH PEOPLE I DIDN'T TO? ANYTHING ABOUT HOLLYWOOD I HAD A MAILING LIST OF 11, 000 PEOPLE I DIDN'T EVEN TO? I ASKED THEM FOR THEIR HELP IF YOU KNOW ANYBODY WHO KNOWS ANYBODY WHO KNOWS ANYBODY OUT IN HOLLYWOOD, LET ME TO? THE RESPONSE WAS HUGE I GOT E-MAILS FROM STEVEN SPIELBERG'S NEIGHBOR'S DOG SIT EVER'S NEPHEW FOR AGENTS AND MANAGERS FROM NEW YORK TO L.A. I EVENTUALLY STARTED TALKING TO MAAR WHO REPRESENTED WRITERS OUT IN HOLLYWOOD A BUNCH OF PEOPLE HAD SENT HIM MY STUFF, YOU GOT TO CHECK OUT THIS KID I ENDED UP SIGNING WITH HIM OUT OF COLLEGE AND STILL MY MANAGER TO THIS DAY. NOR ALL MY PARTYING I STILL MANAGED TO GRADUATE MAGNA CUM LAUDE FROM WHARTON NOW TIME FOR MY GRADUATION SPEECH. THE PHILADELPHIA EAGLES USED TO PLAY AT PENN FOOTBALL STADIUM THE PLACE IS HUGE THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE THERE. YOU WILL SEE NEXT YEAR, ALL THE STUDENTS ON THEIR CELL PHONE, HEY, MOM, I'M WEARING A ROBE AND SITTING NEXT TO A FLAG DO YOU SEE ME? MYSELF, I WAS SITTING ON STAGE NEXT TO THE DEAN OF THE WHARTON SCHOOL WAS LITTLE CHILLY SINCE I WAS WEARING NIKES AND SHORTS UNDERNEATH MY ROBE. ALMOST FIVE YEARS AFTER MY ESSAY ABOUT GETTING HIT IN THE BALLS, MY COLLEGE EXPERIENCE HAD COME FULL CIRCLE MY SPEECH WAS ABOUT HOW DORITOS HAD PLAYED SUCH AN IMPORTANT ROLE IN MY COLLEGE EXPERIENCE YOU CAN READ IT ON MY WEBSITE THE CROWD LOVED IT AS I STEPPED DOWN FROM THE PODIUM WE CALLED MY PARENTS IN THE CROWD I SAW THE SMILE ON MY MOM'S FACE, THE TEARS IN MY DAD'S EYES, AND THAT'S WHEN I KNEW IT WAS ALL OVER THEY WOULD NEVER GIVE ME MONEY EVER AGAIN [ LAUGHTER ] BUT THE FUNSTON WAS OVER I MOVED OUT I MOVED TO AN APARTMENT ON THE EASTSIDE OF MANHATTAN, WHERE I LIVE WITH ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS FROM POBJFKHS WE BOTH STARTED OUR WALL STREET JOBS IN 2001 ME AND MY NEW MANAGER WERE THINKING WE CAN MAYBE MAKE THIS MATERIAL INTO A TV SHOW OR MOVIE WHY DON'T WE TRY MAKING IT INTO A BOOK FIRST THAT WAY WHEN WE GO AND MEET WITH PRODUCERS, HERE'S THIS KID'S BOOK AS OPPOSED TO HERE'S THIS KID'S INTERNET COLUMN, GET OUT OF MY OFFICE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT WE SENT IT TO A PUBLISHER AT SIMON SCHUSTER AND WAITED. ME AND MY MANAGER WERE WAITING AND I STARTED WORK ALL OF A SUDDEN OUT OF THE BLUE I GOT AN E-MAIL FROM A GIRL IN VANDERBILT UNIVERSITY IN TENNESSEE NEVER MET HER BEFORE, DIDN'T KNOW HER MANY OF THE E-MAILS I RECEIVED IN COLLEGE, WAS A BIG FAN, REALLY LOVED MY COLUMN, SAD I GRADUATED BUT ALSO WANTED TO TELL ME ABOUT HER INTERNSHIP THAT SUMMER AT SIMON AND SCHUSTER IT TURNED OUT HER LAST WEEK AT WORK SHE WALKED BY HER BOSS' DESK AND SAW THE MAN YOU SCRIPT SITTING IN AN UNREAD PILE CAIRO, I'M GOING TO TELL MY BOSS HOW GREAT YOUR COLUMN IS AND HAS A CULT FOLLOWING AND EVERYONE READS IT I'M LIKE DON'T TELL ME, GO DO, GO TELL, GO DO TWO WEEKS LATER, MY MANAGER CALLED, SIMON AND SCHUSTER HAD OFFERED ME A BIG BOOK DEAL, ANOTHER SUBSCRIBER HAD COMING THROUGH EVEN THOUGH I WAS TOILING AT MY JOB, I WAS HAPPY MY COLUMN WOULD MAKE BOOK FORM I WORKED ON IT IN 2001 AND 2002. TO BE HONEST IT WAS LOT MORE WORK THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE I'M LIKE SLAP A COVER ON THAT MOTHER AND WE'RE GOOD TO GO ACTUALLY, THE BOOK IS A LOT DIFFERENT FROM THE ORIGINAL E-MAIL COLUMN IN TWO MAJOR WAYS THERE'S A LOT OF MATERIAL IN THE BOOK NEVER IN THE ORIGINAL COLUMN I DIDN'T GO TO WHARTON FOR NOTHING, I KNEW IF I WAS MAKING A BOOK FULL OF FREE STUFF ON THE INTERNET, NO COLLEGE STUDENTS WOULD BUY IT. SECONDLY, THE BOOK IS NOT ORGANIZED IN CHRONOLOGICAL -- THE BOOK IS ORGANIZED BY TOPIC DORM LIFE, GREEK LIFE, NIGHTLIFE, NOT CHRONOLOGICALLY THE WAY I WROTE THE COLUMN, THE REASON BEING I WANTED THIS TO BE THE KIND OF BOOK YOU CAN PICK UP ANY PAGE AND START READING THIS IS THE KIND OF BOOK YOU'LL READ WHILE TAKING A DUMP OR BONG HIT YOU MIGHT AS WELL CATER TO THAT AUDIENCE I STUDIED MARKETING NOW, THE FUNNY THING ABOUT A BOOK LIKE THIS IS SIMON AND SCHUSTER, FOR ALL THEIR YEARS, THEY HAD NEVER PUBLISHED ANYTHING LIKE THIS THEY ASSIGN EVERY WRITE EAR COPY EDITOR TO GO THROUGH THE GRAMMAR MY COPY EDITOR'S NAME WAS GYPSY SHE WAS 175 YEARS OLD WE WOULD GET INTO ARGUMENTS IS KEG STAND ONE WARD? IS PREGAMING HYPHENATED? GYPSY, COME ON, I TO? WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT LET ME DO THIS OH, GYPSY, GYPSY IN APRIL, 2002, I WAS -- THE BOOK WAS ALMOST DONE, I WAS JUST WAITING FOR THE FINAL VERSION TO COME BACK I WENT 0 OUT AND I HAD A PARTICULAR WASTED WEEKEND IN NEW YORK CITY THEN IT HAPPENED AGAIN SUNDAY NIGHT, I COULDN'T FALL ASLEEP IT HADN'T HAPPENED SINCE I GRADUATED BECAUSE I WAS SO TIRED BECAUSE I WAS WORKING AT WALL STREET DURING THE DAY, WRITING THE BOOK AT NIGHT ON WEEKENDS, I WAS SO EXHAUSTED I COULD ALWAYS FALL ASLEEP NOW I REALIZED WHEN THE BOOK WAS DONE THE PROBLEM WOULD START HAPPENING AGAIN I DID WHAT ANY PERSON DOES WHEN THEY CAN'T FALL ASLEEP, I STARTED A NEW GLOBAL E-MAIL COLUMN A YEAR AFTER MY BOOK ON RUMINATIONS IN COLLEGE LIFE, I STARTED A NEW COLUMN, CALLED RUMINATIONS. I CALL IT THE WHATEVER YEARS, MY ANSWER TO THE WHEREVER YEARS. IT'S BASICALLY THAT TIME IN THE EARLY 20S WHEN YOU'RE LIVING IN THE GAP BETWEEN COLLEGE AND MARRIAGE, BETWEEN ZERO RESPONSIBILITY AND TOTAL RESPONSIBILITY. AS DAVID SAID, IT'S ABOUT A GENERATION TRYING TO GET LAID AND TRYING NOT TO GET LAID OFF. IN MY ISSUE, IN MY NEW COLUMN, ONE OF MY MAJOR TOPICS WAS BEING SINGLE IN NEW YORK CITY I WROTE, ONCE I WENT OUT AND GOT DRUNKER THAN A GUEST ON JIMMIE KIMMEL LIVE I MET A CUTE BRUNETTE AT THE END OF THE NIGHT, WE WENT BACK TO MY APARTMENT AS THINGS WERE GETTING HOT AND HEAVY, SHE CASUALLY REMARKED TO ME SHE THOUGHT MY BEDROOM LOOKED FAMILIAR A FEW MINUTES LATER, I SAID THAT I THOUGHT THAT SHE LOOKED FAMILIAR YOU KNOW WHERE I'M GOING WITH THIS THEN BOTH REALIZED IT WE HAD ACTUALLY GONE HOME TOGETHER TWO YEARS EARLIER AND BOTH OF US WERE TOO DRUNK TO REMEMBER IT THAT'S RIGHT I'M HOOKING UP IN RERUNS FOR SOME REASON, THE WOMEN I MEET IN NEW YORK ARE ALWAYS ASKING ME TO GUESS HOW OLD I THINK THEY ARE BUT THE WORST POSSIBLE THING YOU CAN DO IS OFFEND THEM SO YOU HAVE 0 TO MAKE SURE YOU GUESS YOUNGER THAN YOU THINK THEY ACTUALLY ARE I MET THIS GIRL AT A BAR ONCE AND SHE ASKED ME TO GUESS HOW OLD SHE WAS I WAS LIKE, 8? IT WORKED, IT WORKED. SO I TOOK WHATEVER E-MAILS ARE STILL VALID FROM MY ORIGINAL COLLEGE MAILING LIST, REVAMPED AARONKARO.COM AND STARTED MY COLUMN ALL OVER AGAIN AS I CONTINUED TO WRITE ABOUT MY EVOLUTION FROM FRAT BOY TO MANHOOD, I FOUND THERE WAS ONE TOPIC THAT KEPT PROVIDING ME WITH ENDLESS MATERIAL MY ROOMMATE I WROTE MY ROOMMATE, BRIAN AND I REGULARLY HAVE A WOMAN CLEAN OUR APARTMENT AND DO OUR LAUNDRY I'M NOT EMBARRASSED BY THIS WE'RE BOTH FINANCIALLY INDEPENDENT AND ONE PERK WE CHOOSE TO SPEND OUR MONEY ON WHAT I AM EMBARRASSED ABOUT WE DECIDED TO CALL THE CLEANING WOMAN NOT WHEN OUR APARTMENT IS SUFFICIENTLY DIRTY BUT WHEN WE RUN OUT OF UNDERWEAR THE PROBLEM IS WE HAVE DIFFERENT AMOUNTS OF UNDERWEAR SO AN ARGUMENT ENSUES EVERY TIME IN ORDER TO EASE TENSIONS BETWEEN US WE HELD UP AND WEAR SUMMIT -AND UNDERWEAR SUMMIT WHERE WE BOTH DECIDED ON A PER DAY UNDERWEAR ALLOWANCE THAT WOULD RESULT IN A MUTUALLY AGREED UPON LAUNDRY DAY COOLER HEADS PREVAILED FOR A WHILE UNTIL BRIAN'S GIRLFRIEND BROKE THE CEASE-FIRE BY BUYING HIM A FEW NEW PAIRS THUS THROWING OFF THE BALANCE OF POWER MY ALLY, MY MOM, RESPONDED BY BUYING ME EVEN MORE UNDERWEAR AND NOW BRIAN AND I ARE LOCKED IN A HEATED BATTLE TO STOCKPILE THE LARGEST ARSENAL IT'S LIKE THE COLD WAR OF BOXERS MEANWHILE, ON JUNE 24TH, 2002, I GOT MY FIRST REAL COPY OF THE BOOK AND WHEN I LOOK AT IT -- STUCK TO THE TABLE YUCK ! LIKE YOURS ISN'T LIKE COVERED IN BONG WATER ! AND WHEN I LOOK AT IT, I'M JUST LIKE, ACTUALLY WROTE A BOOK I TO? YOU GUYS CAN'T SEE, YOU'LL SEE WHEN YOU BUY MY BOOK LATER THERE'S A PICTURE OF ME IN THE BACK A COUPLE YEARS AGO I HAD MY APPENDIX OUT ON NEW YEAR'S EVE I WAS DETERMINED TO GO OUT ANYWAY I GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND WENT TO MY FRIEND'S PARTY I WAS ALL FUCKED ON PAINKILLERS. YOU GUYS PROBABLY SELL THEM I DON'T EVEN TO? THE GUYS FROM ACCENT ARE LIKE, OH, GOD, HE'S TALKING ABOUT SELLING PAINKILLERS OVER THE COUNTER ONLY I WAS ALL FUCKED UP AT THIS PARTY I WAS LIKE DROOPY AND HAD THIS GOOFY GRIN AND SOMEONE SNAPPED A PICTURE AND IT CAME OUT REALLY GOOD SO WE USED IT FOR THE BACK OF THE BOOK SO IN JULY, 2002 I DECIDED IT WAS TIME TO TAKE RUMINATIONS FROM THE MAGIC THE STAGE I PERFORMED STAND-UP COMEDY FOR THE FIRST TIME IN NEW YORK A LOT OF MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY CAME IT WAS GREAT SHOW. THE BEST PART ABOUT IT, THE "NEW YORK POST" WAS DOING A STORY ABOUT MY BOOK WHEN THEY FOUND OUT IT WAS MY STAND UP DEBUT, THEY COVERED THAT AS WELL A WEEK LATER, HAD A FULL BEIGE SPREAD IN THE NEW YORK POST WITH A PICTURE WITH THE HEADLINE THE RUMINATOR, ROWDY JEWISH CHRIS ROCK BLOWS FANS AWAY THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD FROM ONE PERFORMANCE ON AUGUST, 2002 I DECIDED TO LEAVE MY JOB I HAD WORKED ON WALL STREET FOR 13 MONTHS AND FRANKLY, IT SUCKED MAJOR ASS. I THOUGHT MY BOOK WOULD DO REALLY WELL AND DOING ALL THIS PUBLICITY. I THOUGHT IF I HAD A CHANCE TO DO THIS COMEDY THING, IT WAS NOW OR NEVER I USED UP ALL MY VACATION AND NEVER WENT BACK AGAIN I DO NOT SUGGEST YOU DO THAT FOR THE TIME BEING I'M IN THE WORLD OF ENTERTAINMENT HOPEFULLY I'LL STILL BE ABLE TO CRUSH PEOPLE MAYBE DIFFERENTLY ON AUGUST 6TH, 2002, RUMINATIONS ON COLLEGE LIFE WAS OFFICIALLY RELEASED NATIONWIDE, AVAILABLE AT AMAZONS WITH BARNS AND NOBLE, EVERY MAJOR BOOKSTORE THE PUBLICITY WAS HUGE, CNN, CHICAGO TRIBUNE, IT WAS GOOD ONE OF MY FAVORITE INTERVIEWS WAS WITH THIS MAGAZINE CALLED "COSMO" GIRL FOR THOSE OF YOU GUYS THAT DON'T TO?, "COSMO" GIRL IS LIKE "COSMO" BUT FOR TEENAGE CHICKS THEY WANTED ME TO GIVE ADVICE TO YOUNG GIRLS GOING AWAY TO COLLEGE FOR THE FIRST TIME [ LAUGHTER ] WHY DOES EVERYONE ALWAYS LAUGH AT THAT? I'M LIKE, I'M A RECOVERING FRAT BOY I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY WHAT ADVICE DO YOU GIVE TO YOUNG GIRLS GOING AWAY TO COLLEGE FOR THE FIRST TIME? ALL OF A SUDDEN THE CERTAINTY OF GUYS ATTENTION, TRYING TO HOOK UP WITH THEM WHAT WOULD YOU DO? I WAS LIKE, SUCK EVERYONE'S DICK. A FEW MONTHS LATER, SOMEONE AT 17 MAGAZINE SAW THE ARTICLE AND HIRED ME TO BE THEIR NEW ADVICE COLUMNIST TO GIVE ADVICE TO YOUNG GIRLS GOING AWAY TO COLLEGE FOR THE FIRST TIME I ACTUALLY DON'T DO THE 17 COLUMN ANYMORE THEIR READERS ARE SO YOUNG, IT WAS FREAKIN ' ME OUT A LITTLE BIT I GOT RID OF THAT I'M HAPPY TO REPORT THE BOOK HAS DONE VERY WELL IT'S IN ITS 7TH PRINTING AND SIMON AND SCHUSTER WAS LIKE, WE DIDN'T THINK IT WAS GOING TO DO THAT WELL, WE'RE NOT GOING TO PAY YOU ANYMORE THAT WAS GOOD WHAT HAVE I BEEN DOING IN THE PAST TWO YEARS SINCE MY BOOK CAME OUT? I'VE BEEN PERFORMING STAND-UP IN COLLEGES AND CLUBS AROUND THE COUNTRY AND DOING SPEAKING ENGAGEMENTS AT COLLEGES AROUND THE COUNTRY. THE FIRST TIME I REALIZED I WAS STARTING TO GET WELL-KNOWN AS A COMEDIAN, PERSONALITY, I WAS DOING A SHOW IN INDIANA BEFORE THE SHOW I LOOKED AROUND, NOTICED EVERYONE SEEMED TO BE JUST A LITTLE BIT OFF I ASKED ONE OF THE GIRLS, I SAID, ARE YOU GUYS HIGH? AND SHE'S LIKE, YEAH, WE ALL ARE AND I WAS LIKE, WHY? SHE'S LIKE, TO SEE YOU I WAS LIKE, THAT'S AWESOME ! [ APPLAUSE ] THAT'S PRETTY MUCH THE BIGGEST COMPLIMENT YOU COULD EVER GET, RIGHT? THIS IS ACTUALLY THE FIRST STOP ON MY '04/'05 TOUR AND HOPE TO BE HITTING ME MORE CITIES AND COLLEGES AND DRINKING MUCH MORE BY THE TIME IT EEFERS I'VE BEEN TAKING ACTING CLASSES FOR A YEAR AND HALF MY ACTING CLASS IS GREAT, MODEL, MODEL, MODEL, MODEL, SHORT WHITE JEWISH COMEDIAN, MODEL I CAN'T COMPLAIN IN JULY OF THIS YEAR, YOU MIGHT HAVE SEEN ME ON VH1'S I LOVE THE 90S, WHICH WAS PRETTY COOL IN ANSWER TO ALL YOUR QUESTIONS, YES, I GOT THE TOPICS AHEAD OF TIME AND ABLE TO PREPARE A LITTLE BIT AND TRY TO COME UP WITH FUNNY ANSWERS YES, I FILMED ALL THE YEARS AT ONCE NO, I DIDN'T MEET ANYBODY IN BLACK OR HOUSE BARS OR ANYWHERE ELSE IT WAS NERVE-WRACKING I WAS IN THIS TINY LITTLE ROOM IT WAS HARD TO MAKE JOKES ABOUT THE PRINCE OF BELLAIR WHEN SOMEBODY WAS DABBING YOU WITH BLEACH MILITIA CREAM EVERY TWO MINUTES I WAS PRETTY HAPPEN WITH MY 90 SECONDS. I'VE BEEN VERY FOCUSED ON WRITING MY NEW COLUMN, RUMINATIONS, ALL CAPITALS ABOUT WHAT IT'S LIKE NOT TO BE IN COLLEGE ANYMORE I WROTE, I'VE FOUND COLLEGE KIDS ASSUME ANYONE WHO LOOKS REMOTELY LIKE THEY'RE BETWEEN 16 AND 25 YEARS OLD IS ALSO IN COLLEGE I WAS AT DARTMOUTH FOR MY SISTER'S GRADUATION AND HER FRIEND ASKED ME WHAT COLLEGE I GO TO I WAS LIKE, I GRADUATED THREE YEARS AGO SHE WAS LIKE, OH, SORRY TO HEAR THAT LIKE I DIED OR SOMETHING HERE'S HOW YOU CAN TELL IF SOMEONE IS STILL IN COLLEGE OR IF THEY'VE GRADUATED WHEN EVER THERE'S AN EMPTY SPACE -- IN A ROOM OR A HOUSE, A COLLEGE KID WILL ALWAYS SAY, LET'S PUT A BAR THERE OR NOT I DON'T KNOW I'M NOT IN COLLEGE ANYMORE I DON'T KNOW SO IN THE PAST FEW MONTHS I'VE MADE TWO MAJOR CHANGES TO MY COLUMN ONE, I NOW SEND IT OUT EVERY OTHER MONDAY OPPOSED TO ONCE A MONTH ALSO I ANNOUNCED FOR THE FIRST TIME IN ABOUT FOUR OF YEARS I ACTUALLY HAVE A STEADY GIRLFRIEND IT SUCKS, MAN SUCKS THE BIG TIME MY FIRST SHOW SINCE THE GIRLFRIEND CAME ON I'LL BE ALL RIGHT AND I WROTE, SINCE I FORCED MY GIRLFRIEND TO WATCH HOURS OF YANKEES BASEBALL ON TV AGAINST HER WILL, I FIGURED IT WOULD BE WORTHWHILE TO TEACH HER A LITTLE BIT ABOUT MY TEAM AND ITS PLAYERS I DISCOVERED THAT GIRLFRIEND IS LEARNING ABOUT BASEBALL AT ALMOST EXACTLY THE SAME RATE AS MY 3-YEAR-OLD COUSIN MY CONVERSATIONS WITH THE TWO OF THEM ARE REMARKABLY SIMILAR OKAY WHO'S UP AT BAT NOW? NO, NOT A-ROD COME ON, I TO? YOU KNOW THIS HA -- HIDEKI MATSUI GOOD GIRL. AND WHAT'S HIS NICKNAME? GODZILLA GOOD JOB LET'S GET YOU SOME ICE CREAM AMAZINGLY ENOUGH, MY POSTCOLLEGE RUMINATIONS COLUMN HAS TAKEN OFF EVEN FASTER THAN MY ORIGINAL COLUMN DID AT LAST COUNT I HAD CLOSE TO 40, 000 SUBSCRIBERS AROUND THE WORLD, ALL STEMMING FROM THOSE SAME 20 FRIENDS FROM HIGH SCHOOL THAT I SENT THE ORIGINAL E-MAIL EARLIER THIS YEAR I SIGNED A BOOK DEAL TO WRITE MY SECOND BOOK, RUMINATIONS ON TWENTYSOMETHING LIFE WHICH WILL COME OUT IN THE SPRING AND SEQUEL TO RUMINATIONS ON COLLEGE LIFE AT THE END OF RUMINATIONS ON COLLEGE LIFE, I ASK THE QUESTION, IS THERE LIFE AFTER COLLEGE? IN MY NEW BOOK, I ANSWER THAT QUESTION DON'T WORRY, THE ANSWER IS YES IT'S OKAY YOU'RE GOING TO BE OKAY IN ADDITION TO ALL THESE PROJECTS, MY NUMBER ONE GOAL RIGHT NOW IS TO CREATE MY OWN SITCOM I ACTUALLY RECENTLY SIGNED A DEAL WITH 20TH CENTURY FOX TO CREATE A SITCOM ABOUT MY LIFE AFTER COLLEGE WHILE THIS DOES NOT MEAN ALL OF A SUDDEN I HAVE MY OWN SITCOM, THIS IS THE FIRST STEP OF ABOUT 25 TO TAKE TO DO THAT THE SHOW WAS ABOUT ME AND MY ROOMMATE, 20 SOMETHING GUYS LIVING IN THE CITY AFTER GRADUATION I'LL BE WRITING, PRODUCING, I HOPE TO PLAY MYSELF, I DON'T KNOW IT'S A VERY LONG WAY OFF, BUT COULD YOU SEE ME ON TV NEXT YEAR? I DON'T KNOW THE WAY THINGS HAVE BEEN GOING, I'M NOT COUNTING ANYTHING OUT I HOPE YOU GUYS ENJOY WHAT I HAD TO SAY TONIGHT IF YOU WANT TO READ ANY OF THE COLUMNS OR FIND OUT MORE ABOUT ME BE SURE TO VISIT AARONKARO.COM SIGN UP FOR MY MAILING LIST IT'S FREE IF YOU GUYS TAKE ANYTHING AWAY FROM WHAT I'VE SAID TONIGHT, I HOPE IT'S THIS LIFE IS SHORT COLLEGE LIFE IS EVEN SHORTER SO DON'T TAKE THIS TIME AT SCHOOL FOR GRANTED BECAUSE, BELIEVE ME, YOU WILL NEVER HAVE AS LITTLE TO WORRY ABOUT EVER AGAIN UNLESS YOU WRITE A BOOK ABOUT COLLEGE AND TRAVEL TO COLLEGES TALKING ABOUT COLLEGE AND HOOKING UP WITH COLLEGE CHICKS BUT THAT'S RIDICULOUS. UF, THANK YOU VERY MUCH LOVE YOU GUYS ! THANK YOU ! THANK YOU ! THANK YOU ! [ APPLAUSE ] SO, IF YOU'RE SO INCLINED, I WILL ANSWER SOME QUESTIONS, YOU CAN STEP UP TO THE MIKE OVER HERE AND ASK ME ANYTHING YOU'VE BEEN WONDERING ABOUT DON'T BE SHY OTHERWISE I HAVE TO STAND UP HERE LIKE AN IDIOT? >> HEY, DOES U PENN HAVE GOOD [ BLEEP ]? ISSUE YOU CAN USUALLY GO TO THE MICROPHONE PORT-AU-PRINCE IT'S A LITTLE BIT EASIER NOTHING? I STILL GET PAID THE SAME AMOUNT. ALL RIGHT WELL, THANK YOU GUYS VERY MUCH I APPRECIATE IT >> ARE YOU GOING OUT TONIGHT? WHERE ARE YOU GOING >> I'LL BE HEADED TO THE BAR IT'S AN UNDISCLOSED VACATION YOU SEE WHAT THE MINDSET IS THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD PLACE ALL RIGHT THANK YOU GUYS. 9:20